a weekend chuckle.

This off the same thread mentioned in the last two posts. It’s a great thread

Heads of Stone

by Julian Jackson

A Proclamation from the Government of Easter Island:

Good and Loyal Citizens of Rapa Nui: we face arduous times. We are all in this together. In the past both our increasing population – many bonny little kids – and the growth of our system (one foot per tree per year) was entirely due to the competent way we – your hardworking government – managed our booming economy.

Now that Global Conditions have turned adverse, it is clear that it is not our fault, we are facing a downturn that affects the rest of the planet (wherever that is…we’re not entirely sure).

The Easter Island Way of Life is non-negotiable. It is imperative that all citizens continue to cut down trees. To alter our way of life now would be disastrous. Every tree must be chopped down so we can build more stone statues.

Do not worry. Stone Head production is up 137%. This year’s stone heads are bigger and better than last year’s! We have started making a stone-guzzling super statue bigger than all the rest! At Rano Raraku quarry we have embarked on building one 70ft long and 270 tons in weight. That shows how confident we are of a bounteous future. The Gods must be very pleased with us, or they would have obviously shown their displeasure by smiting us with a calamity. A temporary shortage of stonemasons has been rectified by retraining fishermen – who aren’t catching any fish any more now – as stone carvers. Fortunately we also have the bonus of being able to break up their canoes to supply extra timber for moving and erecting our new, improved, bigger statues.

Economics is on our side. Demand for these superior, de luxe stone statues is up 152%. Every tribe wants them. As you, good citizens – have felled almost all the trees, demand for wood exceeds supply massively. This is a good thing. Soon the invisible hand of the market will rectify the problem. OPEC – the Organisation of Piss Extracting Citizens have promised to open their…er…taps and the resulting nitrogen-rich liquid will cause lots more trees to spring up to replace those we have already produced. We are also confident that many new trees will be found in unexplored areas of our island.

Our annual expedition sending our young men to swim across the cold, dangerous, shark-infested waters to Motu Iti – Tern Island – has been immensely successful. We will be shortly having a ceremony to crown the new Birdman of the Year as he has returned with a single egg in triumph: thus entertaining the whole of our people with a magnificent spectacle of heroic futility. Those who have lost their lives in those treacherous waters can rest content that their noble sacrifice is worthwhile to preserve the Easter Island Way of Life for the next Thousand Years. We extend every sympathy to their families, they have paid the ultimate price, but have achieved something of lasting value for our society. Rumours that injured swimmers are having difficulty in obtaining compensation are entirely unfounded, though there have been some regrettable bureaucratic delays.

Unfortunately a few traitors have attempted to fill some of the remaining ocean-going canoes with provisions and tried to leave our island paradise. They have been executed, then rendered, and they were pretty tasty, we can tell you. The last tosser we tossed off a cliff, shouted, “Build boats with the remaining wood, you fools!” as he fell, which shows what warped priorities these traitors have. As if anyone would want to leave a place that the Gods look on so favourably.
We thank citizens for their patience during the current food shortages. These are only temporary. There is no need to start eating each other. We must remind everybody that cannibalism is only to be considered as an absolute last resort. It is particularly important for health reasons that persons should be fully cooked-through, not consumed rare. Grandmothers can also stick annoyingly between your teeth unless well-marinaded first.

Any rioting will be dealt with by the miscreants being summarily executed. And eaten by loyal government servants.

That is all. Under our benificent guidance Easter Island is assured of a happy, prosperous and tree infested future.

Let us all derive comfort in these difficult times from our Island Motto: Two Stone Heads are Better than One.


2 Responses

  1. Preposterous – there is no problem with wood shortages; exchange traded securities for wood and derivatives have never been higher! Records show securities for ten billion trees were traded in the last year alone! To say Easter Island is running out of trees is absurd!


  2. Should trees ever indeed become scare, they could be made from other things, such as stone.


    (I got that one by para-phrasing a quote in Al Bartlett’s lecture where someone said that if copper ever became scare it could be made from other metals)

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